esconderijo!

"Procuro a solidão
Como o ar procura o chão
Como a chuva só desmancha
Pensamento sem razão

Procuro esconderijo
Encontro um novo abrigo
Como a arte do seu jeito
E tudo faz sentido

Calma pra contar nos dedos
Beijo pra ficar aqui
Tecto para desabar
Você para construir"


Ana Cañas - Esconderijo


Sei que tenho o meu!

A apatia chegou...

Bom… O Natal já passou. Agora deparo-me com outro problema. Outro sentimento que se vem depositando sobre mim. A apatia. Já ouviram falar? Bom, de acordo com a wikipédia, apatia traduz-se pela “falta de emoção, motivação ou entusiasmo”, é um “estado de indiferença, no qual um indivíduo não responde aos estímulos da vida emocional (…)”.A wikipédia diz ainda que, “O "Dicionário de termos técnicos de medicina e saúde", de Luís Rey, regista a palavra apatia como termo psiquiátrico, com a seguinte definição: "Estado caracterizado pelo desinteresse geral, pela indiferença ou insensibilidade aos acontecimentos; falta de interesse ou de desejos"”. É mais ou menos isto que se anda a passar. Não me apetece fazer nada. Pior, não consigo chegar ao fundo quando se fala de emoções. Nada me afecta, nada me alegra realmente. Talvez seja por isso que já nem choro, talvez seja por isso que nem tenha ficado “chateada” por não teres ligado. Ou melhor, é e foi mesmo por isso. Não foi nem é por mais razão nenhuma, porque sei que lá no fundo, eu ainda existo como era. Só tenho que sair da casca. Será que vou sair nas Terras Perigosas do Além?

Natal?? Quem disse?

Ok... Então é Natal... E onde é que eu estou? Longe. Entendem? L O N G E! Não há família, não há prendas, não há rabanadas, não há aquecedor colado às pernas... Não há nada. Está tudo lá. Queria tanto estar lá também! Pelo menos agora, nesta época. Nem parece Natal! Onde está o frio? E a chuva? E as 2 ou 3 camadas de roupa? Pff... queria tanto!

:'(

today...

the princess is going to fly :D

James - Out to get you

I'm so alone tonight

My bed feels larger than when I was small

Lost in memories, lost in all the sheets and all old pillows
So alone tonight, miss you more than I will let you know
Miss the outline of your back, miss you breathing down my neck
All out to get you, once again, they're all out to get you, once again

Insecure, what ya gonna do
Feel so small, they could step on you
Called you up, answer machine, when the human touch
Is what I need, what I need is you, I need you

Looked in the mirror, I don't know who I am any more
The face is familiar, but the eyes, the eyes give it all away
They're all out to get you, once again, they're all out to get you
Here they come again

Insecure, what ya gonna do
Feel so small, they could step on you
Called you up, answer machine, when the human touch
Is what I need, what I need is you

Let me breathe, if you'd let me breathe
They're all out to get you, once again, they're all out to get you

What is stronger, reason or feelings? Knowing what is right to do or just want to do something? Knowing for sure what your fu****g supposed to do or do what you fu****g feel like doing? Or are our actions a balance? Don’t you sometimes feel confused too? God, I do. A lot. I’m actually confused right now. As usual, I don’t know what to do. The only problem now, since I’m already used to not knowing what to do, is that I don’t even know what to think. I think about nothing and everything, in some strange and complex way.

I guess this whole “doubt-thing” is just the result of a bad sleeping night. Let’s see how it goes tomorrow. Princess’s friends will guide her, trough the stars, directly into her heart (because in her mind there are no doubts about them).

“Was there a second of time that I looked around?

Did I sail through or drop my anchor down”

John Mayer - Clarity

"Bella Vista"

- O teu aniversário é que dia? - pergunta a Rebecca.
- 22 de Novembro. - responde a Ana Bárbara
- Ah, este ano não tem. Desculpa. - lamenta a Rebecca.

kakakaka!

aaaaaaaaaaah!

I hate you so much right now! F**k you!

"Snakes and ledders"

It’s hard to explain. A little hard. Ok, very hard. I’m not sure I got it already. All I know is that this entire thing is still complicated to me; I’m still trying to figure how it works. I don’t really know how to behave myself, don’t know where this starts or ends. I don’t know if I may or when I may; if I can or when I can. When I fell like doing something, I stop and think. When I want to do something, the feedback is so uncertain that sometimes I regret doing it. Maybe I’m not giving myself completely, not showing what I can do, but should I? If so, why?

I wish I could have an answer to all this questions that come to my mind, too often, to be honest. But do I really want answers? I guess so, a few at least. Or maybe, I’m just too spoiled.

I wish...

I wish I could fly back tomorrow. To tell you how much you mean to me and how much I need you all in my life. To hug you all and kiss your faces. To smell your perfumes and enjoy all your colours. To rush through the traffic while singing songs wildly. To arrive and leave right after to the bar, just to have coffee and smoke a lot of cigarettes. To hear you saying I was wrong and correct me after making sure that I learn my lesson. I wish a lot, because I had a lot. I know that, when I arrive, I will hug you, kiss your faces, smell your perfumes, enjoy your colours, sing songs wildly, have coffee, smoke cigarettes, hear you and learn with it. But by now memories is all I have. Thank God I’m still mind-healthy. Thank God I have you all as friends!

pensamentos que tenho medo de desenvolver!

TLC!

de volta ao esconderijo!

=**

sei que tu sabes!

Tomorrow

So… Here I am. Standing in my floor’s balcony. The cigarette box is obviously by my side, lately he has been my best friend. Bad for me, good for those who sell them. But that is not the point... The point is that here I am. Standing in my floor’s balcony. With my cigarette box. The city is calm, thank God for that. The moon is high, beautiful, and the stars are by her side, shinning. The music is not too loud, just enough for me to enjoy this cigarette. There are plenty of things running through my mind right now. Can’t talk about them all, because it would hurt people.

I miss home. I miss my mum, I miss my brothers, I miss my friends. Though I’m not going to develop this thought, I just wanted to make sure that I mentioned it, because they do matter to me and they are really important in my life. And I obviously miss them. Like hell.

Amikoly is down stairs, calling me to meet them, I even put “our” song to play, louder. God, she is definitely someone that I’ll never forget either.

Returning to my thoughts... They will always be walking on my mind, but they will never leave my heart. That, I can tell for sure, will never happen. I know!

Alanis is playing now. Relaxing music, pushes me deeper into my mind, makes me want to close my eyes and flavour all the words. Is like I’ve entered paradise. Calm, good vibration, intelligent sentences. “I thought we would be sexy together”, she sings. This makes my mind jump to the past. Pff, that’s just not worth it. Not now.

This temporarily adoptive city of mine (besides making me sweat all day long) has been running crasy (well, crazier, if you allow me) this past few days. Madly noisy traffic, streets full of bagged people. Can’t walk through them. Can’t be one of them...

Well, let’s stop here. “Can’t be one of them”. This is also a very good thought. No one wants to be “another one breaking the wall”, as I recently heard. Hmmm... interesting. Here I am, in a very dysfunctional activity while everyone else is reading, talking, playing football in the streets (as my friends are right now, down stairs). Why? Because I want to be different? Our because I’m just in the “isolation mood”? Most likely the second.

That reminds about my day. I felt very both bad and good today. And while I’m writing this, I believe my deeper brain is figuring out one solution to the problems. Problems that I got myself into and my friends problems, that obviously become my own. And as I’ve a solution for them, they have solution to me. The worst part is that none of us is actually planning on taking that advice (Alanis, in Ironic, sings “Is the good advice that you just didn’t take”). Smart girl btw, bet she didn’t even. I worry about my trouble-friend’s mental health. That brilliant mind of hers. God I do.

Can’t write any longer. My brain is way too shaken up, it was too much for one day. I’m going to sleep now, hopefully in peace, because tomorrow will be much worst.

Tomorrow... James song. I’m gonna leave you with that thought, my beloved friends.

“Gotta keep faith that you’re path will change, gotta keep faith that your luck will change. Tomorrow. Tomorrow...”

Cenas do além

Preciso rir. Rir muito. Muito alto. Preciso chorar. Chorar muito. Com direito a soluços e ranho. Preciso da mãe. Do miminho. Dos irmãos. Dos sorrisos sinceros. Preciso de ir às estrelas e voltar com uma princesa na mão. A princesa. Do meu coração. Preciso das amigas. As que bebem. As que choram. As que rirem tão alto que os tímpanos pedem socorro. As que são loucas. As que querem ser mães. As que querem ser rebeldes. Dos amigos. Que brincam. Que riem. Que bebem. Que abraçam. Preciso de mim na Terra. Da mente na Terra. Não no ar.

Preciso porque preciso.

rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr